i'm really really scared. [wolf] just disappeared, and won't answer my texts. it's her birthday today. maybe she's just going somewhere early? I read the note she made. i don't want to believe it, but it makes me even more scared. did i make her think she was a burden. is this why she ran away? or worse? i wanted to drive or run or call or do something to find her, but she's nowhere near and i don't wanna stalk her. she's gone. i will try with everything in my power to make sure she's safe, but her life is in her hands rn. that terrifies me. i can only pray she's still alive

it's really starting to hit me that she's gone. like, actually gone. i'm making missing posters rn, trying to get them printed. when i tried it the first time, they came out overexposed, and i cried. i still am. she's out there, somewhere, afraid, hurting. she won't respond to anything. i know how this was last time. except she was here that time. maybe her parents told her to come back home early? she would've texted me that... im trying to find a reasonable way for her to be gone, cause otherwise i fear i failed her. i can't fail her now. no matter where she is, ill find a way to help her be ok. i have to

This bed I have is too big for me, I find myself waking up sideways with my head hurt. i see where she was. it hurts to see it now. it's ghost of her existence here. her smell, her sweat, everything that wasn't really her for long. i can't let even that goes, the grains of salt of my lovers hand when she turned back from me. her home froze her. if it froze her in time forever, if this is all i have, ill make God's act on Sodom look merciful. God, i hope she is ok. with all my being. if anything is making her think i'm not, i hope that thing is in as much agony as we are

i check sometimes on anything i can find from her. nothing. i don't got the money to go where she is, so i sit here. back of my mind always filled with questions. why did she leave, what is she doing, is she ok? i went to the grocery store the other day to buy some food. i still buy some of the things she'd like. just in case she comes back, you know? the old stuff expired, cried throwing it out. last of the food she used to sneak into the cart, my lil gremlin... out of the corner of my eye, i swore i saw her. same hair, same body, same skin, face turned back. i forced myself not to run over, but i couldn't stop myself from staring holes into her head. when i got back into the car, i wondered what i would've done if it was her. would i have tackled her, grinning ear to ear, crying tears of bliss? would i have broke her head into the shelf cause of how angry i am with her... would i just laugh at how easy it was to find her. it wasn't her, that lady ended up noticing i was staring at her, and asked if i knew her. i stumbled through a conversation. [wolf] was the only one who ever thought i was confident enough to speak to people. i remembered that, crying in my car when i got back home. i hope she's ok

I woke up to a message today, from [wolf], all it said was "im sorry". all previous thoughts flew out of my head, as i rushed to text what happened, if she was ok, where she was, what i could do. then those dreaded long minutes of ... pop ups. it's agonizing to wait, to wonder, and the what-ifs bite into me. whenever i asked about her parents, at any time, she'd grow silent. she'd trail off, cry, i'd have to keep her together as she calmed down. i never told her about when my thoughts got dark, when i thought about hurting them if i saw them again. if they hurt her again. if they did, i swear t- "i wish you were here" ... i wish were here too, babe [where are you?] i type that out, hoping she will tell me something. and i will hope until my heart breaks

prayed to her today, its all i can do now. i've done it more recently than i ever have. at night, in the dark, in the cold, i pray your safe. you believe in him, maybe he'll help you if i believe in him. it's all i have rn. i miss you. i hope anything i'm doing is helping.

I didn't cry about her today. I was going to the restroom, I was flushing it. And the sound of the flush, the water exiting, enveloping the abyss, the cavernous void suddenly flushed with an oceam of water, the vibrance and beauty that came from the sound of this toilet. Yeah, it's two am, and yeah, it's a toilet, but I cried about it, so it must be meaningful! God, I miss her so much…

I was getting groceries today. I found myself instinctively passing through the aisles I'd get her food from. I remember this store vividly. The aisles we'd run to together as kids, the ones we'd go in to talk about our hobbies and interests as teenagers, the ones we'd go through for food and amenities now. Now that we had a budget, and everything. Even when she's gone, I can see the holes she left in my life. The chunk of money saved for her groceries. Not spent on anything, in case she comes back. I know it's a foolish concept but I still do it. I look through this aisle of found myself in, found her favorite treat. boxed fudge brownies, she'd always insist on eating them fresh out the oven, even though it would hurt a lil, cause it always tasted better fresh than cooled. i didn't try it til she gave me the courage to eat one. so creamy and smooth and rich. i always loved her for doing that before she confessed to me, before we started dating, just as friends she changed my life for the better. now she's gone, and i'm crying into a brownie cake mix box. I buy it, I don't want to leave a poor soul getting a slightly damp box mix. I drive back home, i notice some guy outside the door. Really late to solicit, but I don't doubt it. I walk over with my groceries. They weren't in my hands when I saw who it was, nor was I on the sidewalk when I saw what happened to her. I was up with her squeezing her tight. She told me to stop, cause her binder made her chest hurt? "Binder"? I made her explain everything that happened when we got back inside, why she looked like that now. I will keep what I know with me and her forever. I found how to show affection without making her worried, we made the food I had gotten her, I helped her shave and called her pretty. I layed with her in our bed. She told me she still couldn't understand why I was still so loving to her. I gave everything else I had that night into showing her what I meant. That 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞 will be in my mind for a while. For now, this is my present. I finally feel like this is a home again. Because she feels like one. I ask her if I can give her a kiss. She accepts. I know it won't solve anything, but it's a good start. Tonight is good, that's what both of us need.